I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.