My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Pringles
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Every photo I’m tagged in
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.