I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.