@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

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@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@tsm560

I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

@Parkerlawyer

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents