I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

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Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”


PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends


Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.


Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*


I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv


Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you