I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?


ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what


I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.


A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.


My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.


If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.


Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.


6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*


Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents