I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.