I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

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Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?

M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”


I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.


My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.


Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.


If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>


Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.