@ask_lorraine

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

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@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@suecorvette

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

@metickleu

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@Lavadog93

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

@markydoodoo

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?