Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!
Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland
Pros: No more Adobe updates!
Me: *walks away*