@ask_lorraine

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

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@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

@ArfMeasures

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

@FredTaming

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@TankCesar

Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

@flaccidumbrella

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

@robfee

Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland

Pros: No more Adobe updates!