I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
first you must answer his riddles
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??