You Might Also Like


Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.


Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.


Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.


“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.


wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t


Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.



GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?


“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.


People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.