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@sixfootcandy

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@maurex23

“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

@GrantTanaka

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

@ComicLover_94

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

@HatfieldAnne

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.