NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….