Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder
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If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.
I have two feelings in Ramadan, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.