@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

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@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@ericsshadow

If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.

@KKAlThani

I have two feelings in Ramadan, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”

@QwertyJones3

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

@JediGigi

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

@ixix82

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@Amusitr0n

*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
<laughter>

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@murrman5

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

@tchrquotes

If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome