Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Dolls on drugs
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.