My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The booster protects against what, now?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks