@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

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@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

@OVO_Ty15

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@moxieblogger

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@chloethesiren

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

@tastefactory

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

@djdarrellripley

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?