I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*


How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.


If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.


Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”


1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse


No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.


The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill