I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
wishing you and yours all the best
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
58.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.