@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

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@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

@TheWeirdWorld

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

@OddMarc

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@minnie_in_pink7

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

@Aikiwomannc

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill