Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill