Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”
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Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok