@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

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@DzNutz83

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

@B_poling82

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

@Death_Buddy

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

@jobrowneyes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@XplodingUnicorn

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

@lecalabara

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?