I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.