Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Pro: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
Con: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.