I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
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I was bored.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades