I put the “native” in descriminative…
Wait, that’s not good.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!
*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: cute infant you have there
Me: so tender and mild
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists