@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

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@Nahdude83

I put the “native” in descriminative…

Wait, that’s not good.

@omgthatspunny

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@JennUflect

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street

@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

@TheAlexNevil

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?