I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Would you wear it?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!