I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.

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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney


I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.


One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.


HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no


COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me


Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race


Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.


Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.