Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.
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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.