@shutupmikeginn

I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.

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@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@GlazerBooHooHoo

To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner

@KeetPotato

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

@kimlockhartga

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

@crayolaawonderr

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.