I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space