“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]
I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.