I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Gemma Correll
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that