*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.