judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
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Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The fall of Netflix
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I’m putting together a team
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.