@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

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@TheUrbanSlangs

Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@BackrowSeats

This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Most women love it when you play with their hair in public

Their husbands not so much

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”