INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
~The Discovery of Fruit~
Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?