@bridger_w

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

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@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

@ThugRaccoons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

@Mr_Kapowski

With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute

@karanbirtinna

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

@TheHyyyype

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*