I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
There is no “we” in pizza
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow