I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Beware of fowl play.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha