I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Well, this certainly took a turn
How dude HOW?!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.