Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
very niche meme I made
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’