@AnnietheNanny1

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

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@ChicksRule

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

@tracyofthenorth

People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.

@capnwatsisname

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@English_Channel

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’