I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
opening twitter today
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses