Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE