“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
canadian assassins are called killergrams
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
#parenting
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*