@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

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@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@PorkUrPine

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@skittle624

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@JustDontBugMe

Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@ShanaRose21

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@nbadag

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]