“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You Might Also Like
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.