me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“It’s pronounced Jeff”
“Whatever you say, Goff”
Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]