not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”