“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.