@OhNoSheTwitnt

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

- @OhNoSheTwitnt

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@drumforge

yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

@SaulKewl

honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary

@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@slytherinstef

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

@isabelzawtun

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.