9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.