i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m Sold!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”