i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*updates tinder bio*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.