I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
You Might Also Like
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.