I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)


Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!


friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what


Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.


When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.