[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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Godspeed, John Glenn
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”