I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?