I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.