If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You Might Also Like
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.