I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

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If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.


Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.


*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*


JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please


[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.


[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.


My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.


SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.