I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.