@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

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@krisv_723

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@ThugRaccoons

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.