Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.
So I wore an adult onesie.
Guess I won this round.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.