I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it's called "peeing" what a dumb idiot.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets