It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.