People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?