I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.

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Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way


I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”


My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”


If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.


Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.


I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.


I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.