@Crunch11b

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

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@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Talk dirty to me

Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early

M: God yes

H: I won’t set an alarm

M: Don’t stop!

@AntozWolf

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@_ElvishPresley_

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@ByYourLogic

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo