Me: Talk dirty to me
Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early
M: God yes
H: I won’t set an alarm
M: Don’t stop!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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me: *shakes magic 8 ball* will i ever find my maracas?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo