I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Why am I like this?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff