I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*