I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

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Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?

Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.

T: ….


I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was


I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.


Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.


A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too


Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”