@Jarhead44

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

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@AshleyFrankly

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

@pixelatedboat

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@NicestHippo

Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
Avoids

@kelkulus

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.