I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

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Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.


This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:


My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.


I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?


“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine


Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.


Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”


Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.