I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?