@Jarhead44

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

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@JustinSayne722

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?

Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.

T: ….

@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

@caithuls

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@EndhooS

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@TragicAllyHere

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”