I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
So we got a goldfish…
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.