I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Vodka burrito was a success
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me too, bag. Me too….
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
New comic up. “Ransom”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?