Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.