I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.


Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.


My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.


[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?


According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.