I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
You Might Also Like
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY