I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
man i love columbo
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.