@bluebonetbabies

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

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@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

@Brewsker

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.