I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The sacred texts.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now