I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.