[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
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Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Million dollar idea – an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread