I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

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[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go



Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!


boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles


Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”


Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.


*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes


If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.


“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting


Million dollar idea – an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.


parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread