I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!