@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

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@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@VodkaThursday

Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it

@3sunzzz

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

@Skoog

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.