I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911