I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.