@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

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@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”

@Jake_Vig

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

@briancthayer

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

@girl_a_whirl

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

@diaruba74

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

@JohnLyonTweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@withanewname

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”