I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

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My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”


*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?


Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.


ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.


Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me


you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know


I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.


My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”


wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”