I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number


Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.


Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-


The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.


her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.


The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.